Best places to hide from hipsters

The public library: The main SF library is fucking amazing. If you use the reserve system, you can get almost any movie, book, cd, etc, that you want. However they still let bums in.

Borders: Borders is my favorite place to go drink coffee and read trash magazines all afternoon. However, sometimes the Union Square one is ridiculously crowded, so if you have the time, there are two other little known alternatives: The one across from the ballpark, or take the M train out to the Stonestown Galleria.

Yer mom’s house! Go home and visit your parents, they miss you even though you’re a total fuck up.

Site Seein’

Tank Hill: Twin Peaks is fun and all, but Tank Hill is it’s lesser known, less popular sister across the city with similar great views. So, well, go there and, you know, feel her up or maybe finger her, make her feel kinda pretty compared to her popular, beautiful bitch sister.

Chrissy Fields: This park and beach under the Golden Gate is usually full of snotty kids and their nannies, but it’s totally fun to come here with a flask of whiskey and park yer ass on the secret beach alcove right under the bridge, because no one is usually there and the view is pretty amazing. But if I see you there, I’m totally going to pretend I don’t recognize you.

The Bathhouse ruins: Stroll around the ruins of the old Sutros bathhouse, go through the tunnel and climb around on the rocks, all the while imagining tons of young boys giving each other hand jobs under the water in 1896.

That one bench below the Legion of Honor in the Presidio: this is by no way a secret bike/walking path, but no one who lives in SF really ever goes out there. If you bike through the Presidio and make your way up the hill towards the LOH, it’s halfway up the hill. Take a breather, sit on the bench and look out onto the ocean. You can see the Marin headlands, the GG bridge, and on a clear day, the Farallons. It’s just beautiful enough to turn you totally gay.

Tippity Top Secret Places

Ocean Beach: There is a cave on Ocean Beach! Head for the rocks below the Cliff House and wait for the tide to go out, and then run around the rocks, make a sharp right and there you are! In a tiny cave that is usually full of garbage.

The Marriott Hotel bar: I found this treat while waiting to see a movie at the Metreon. Go into the hotel & take the elevators to the top floor where there’s a bar that overlooks San Francisco in all directions. Because the drinks are goddamn fucking $10-$15, order just one beer, grab some free snacks and stake out the most secluded corner table and then flask it. It’ll still cost you $10, but it’s fun to bring friends to and you can hang out for awhile and watch the sunset and pretend you’re fancy.

This super tippity top secret place in the Ingleside district on the outskirts of SF where you can see 360 degrees around SF. Unless you lived on this one random street in this unlikely and fairly unknown district, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about, and I’m not going to tell you. It might be the best view of the bay area that I’ve ever seen, but you have no idea where it is and never will. Haha sucks for you!

Scenic Bike Rides

Great Bike ride routes:

Easy: Starting at the Panhandle, ride up to GG Park. Go into the Park and take a left by the flower conservatory. Go behind the conservatory and down a path to Arguello and follow it to the entrance to the Presidio. You might have to dismount on the last block into the Presidio, it’s surprisingly steep. Follow the signs to the GG Bridge. Ride over the bridge and decend down into Sausalito. Get some ice-cream and sit by the water. Then take the ferry back to the Ferry Building. You can take your bike on it. If you want to toughen up your ride, just ride back the way you came. (I never did that though, that shit seems way too long and the ice cream way too good. plus, beers on the ferry!)

Easy: Starting at the top of Golden Gate Park: Ride down through the park to Ocean Beach. Get lunch at either Safeway or Ocean Beach Café and have a picnic. Then ride along the Great highway. If you want an easy route home, just go back the way you came. Pussy. For a bit more difficult a ride…

Moderate: …after going along the Great Highway, head up Sloat Ave until you reach Junipero Serra. Head up Portola alongside West Portal. Take a left on Claremont and pause at the top of the hill. Wait until all the cars are gone and then gather as much speed as you can on the way down, zip through the intersection (which is why you’re waiting for the cars to clear, it’s a 4 way stop sign) and then go up Claremont. It’s pretty steep at first and don’t feel bad if you have to dismount your bike half way up. It’s not nearly as steep as other hills in SF, but it’s long. At the top, take a right on Taraval which will turn into Laguna Honda and follow that all the way down into the Inner Sunset. Laguna Honda will turn into 7th st, you can take that all the way down or zig zag (recommended) until you hit Lincoln. Take a right and then left onto Stanyan. Now you’re back at the top of GG park. Collectively you’ll have ridden through the inner and outer Richmond, Sunset, St. Francis Wood, Forrest Hills, inner Sunset and upper Haight.

Hard (The hills aren’t bad on this, but it‘s a long ride) : Head down through GG park to Ocean Beach. Take a right and pedal up the hill towards the Cliff House. Ride along Los Lobos ave which will turn into Geary. Ride up Geary and take a left on 34th. Follow 34th up through the golf course to the Legion of Honor. Then take a left on El Camino Del Mar (yes, the same one, but you can’t follow it all the way up because it disappears in one area) Head downhill and it’ll become Lincoln Blvd at 25th st. Follow Lincoln into the Presidio (maybe stop at Baker Beach on your left for some fat naked gay guy gawking) When Lincoln and Mason meet up, take Mason and follow it for awhile until it becomes Marina Blv. Ride down Marina to Fort Mason. Take the park path up the hill, and over it until you hit Van Ness. Make sure to go out onto the pier at the bottom of the hill. Bike along the pedestrian walkway along the water towards Ghirardelli Square. You’ll have to take a left on Polk because it’s a one way drive past the Pier. Take a left on North Point and follow it down to The Embarcadero. Take a left on the Embarcadero and follow it along the water to the Ferry Building. Take a right on Market and follow Market up to Valencia. Take a left on Valencia and follow it all the way to the end. Take a right on Cesar Chavez and then a left on Church St. Take a left on 30th and an immediate right up Chenery. (This hill is a bitch because it’s long) Go over Chenery until you decend into Glen Park and take a left on Diamond. Take a right on Monterey and up. Take a left on Miramar and go down to Ocean Ave. Take a right on Ocean and follow it all the way over the small hill to Junipero Serra. Take a left and follow it until Halloway. Take a right on Halloway and follow it down past 19th st. Ride through San Francisco State University because it’s fun. At the end of the campus you’ll empty out onto Lake Merced Blvd. Take a left and follow the path around the lake. Don’t make a complete loop, ride along Skyline Blvd until you see the sign for the Great Highway. Take a left and go over the hill that dumps you onto the Great Highway by the beach. Ride along until you hit the entrance to GG Park. Ride up through the park until you’re back where you began. Basically, you have ridden along all the edges of San Francisco, and right down through the middle. Collectively you’ll have ridden though inner and outer Richmond, the Presidio, Seacliff, the Marina/Cow Hollow, Fisherman’s Warf/North Water front, Soma, the Mission, Noe Valley, Glen Park, Ingleside and Park Merced, GG park and Upper Haight. Whoo! You’re almost done! Now head down through Lower Haight and down to Zeitgeist, get yourself a pitcher of Franziskaner and order a grilled cheese or a hamburger. Proceed to drink yourself blind and pass out early.