cafes/coffee shops

Mission Creek Café- Fuck Ritual “lets-see-how-many-track-bikes-can-be-locked-to-one-pole”Coffee Roasters. At Mission Creek, you can enjoy coffee & food without feeling like you’re drowing in a sea of mothballs & chucks. If you’re feeling especially anti-social, there’s a back room with high walled booths & the only part of it that smacks of hipsters is the bicycle disk bathroom key. 968 Valencia st in the Mission

Atlas Café: This café has good food, free wifi (you have to ask for a card when you get your food or coffee) and is a good place to get your free copy of Vice or read a variety of other free magazines. It’s another good alternative to the hipsterclusterfuck that is Ritual Coffee Roasters. That place seriously makes me want to barf, eat it and then barf again. 3049 20th st in the Mission

Café Abir: I’m only putting this café in here because I used to work here and it’s the only place to get a strong cup of coffee in this area. The food is crap and the baristas are bitches, but just as I was leaving, they were undergoing major renovations, so let’s hope some of that transfers over to the food & service. On the plus side, they serve beer and it’s open until midnight. (For breakfast in this area, I’d recommend heading down the street to Bean Bag Café or Eddie’s. ) 1300 Fulton St in the Western Addition

Blue Bottle Coffee- The only way to spot this coffee stand operated out of someone’s garage is the ridiculously long line of people hanging out in an alley in Hayes Valley btw Hayes and Fell st x Gough. I’ve always kinda scoffed at coffee snobs, but this place totally turned me into one. I never thought I’d want to fuck a cup of coffee, but their hand-dripped coffee gives me a raging boner. 315 Linden St in Hayes Valley

bitches love sugar!

Suppenkuche: The King’s Pancake. It’s like fancy pants funnel cake, but instead of eating it & then riding the strawberry cyclone until you barf, you can eat it & drink German beer until you barf. One of those is classier, but I’m not sure which. 525 Laguna St in Hayes Valley

Citizen Cake: French Toast with Banana Butter. The banana butter totally looks like cat shit but if you can get over it, it’s like Jesus came in your mouth. 399 Grove St in Hayes Valley

Home: Pecan french toast with bananas. It’s nothing too special, but by the time it arrives, you’re onto your third self made bloody mary from the DIY bloody mary bar and everything tastes better at boozey brunch.
2100 Market in lower Castro

Tartine: best desserts ever. Just get ready to wait in line forfuckingever. The almond croissants are perfect and the lemon tarts make me want to cry they’re so good. 600 Guerrero in the Mission

Frenchies: This cafe is actually called Cafe Du Soleil, but I just call it Frenchies because I’m a dumb American and it’s a french cafe. They serve coffee in those giant bowls so it goes cold too fast but is still fun. All their open faced sandwiches are delicious and they have the best pastries in town. There are no bacon & egg breakfasts, but their french toast is like a magical angel turd rolled in powdered sugar. 200 Fillmore in Lower Haight

stuff yer dumb face

Ti Couz: Whenever a friend moves out of SF, we have dinner here and pretend we all have money. It’s delicious & always makes you feel kinda fancy even though you’re ass drunk & will probably get called a cunt by a bum on your way home. 3108 16th st in the Mission

Moulin Rouge: My brother used to live across the street from this cafe so we’d always go there for cheap breakfasts and the owners thought it was cute that we hung out together so they’d be super nice and give my brother tons of extra bacon because he’s skinny. The food is typical cheap diner food and the coffee is watery, but the atmosphere will charm yer pants right off. However, get ready to sit on the shitter all afternoon because they use tons of grease. Delicious, delicious grease. 887 Geary St in the Tenderloin

Herbivore: There are two Herbivore cafés in SF, but it doesn’t really matter which one you go do, as long as you order the blueberry corn bread. They also have a pretty good falafel with French fries and pickles, which are the delicious secret ingredients to falafels that you normally have to ask for, but not here. This place is one of the few places you can take that annoying out of town vegan friend and not have to suffer due to their unfortunate lifestyle choice. 983 Valencia or 531 Divisadero

Cha Cha Cha: I don’t have much to say about this place except that when they answer the phone, they yell “Cha! Cha! Cha!” and I think it’s funny. Um, the sangria and black bean soup are good. 1801 Haight st or 2327 Mission st

falafel face off

Falafels are a tricky thing if you’re used to east coast falafels. I was born and raised on the west coast, but having lived on the east coast, I realize the many faults, and redeeming qualities, of west coast falafels. The difference between the two is that east coast falafels usually (if not always) come in pita bread and cost $2-$5 (usually 3.50).West coast ones come in lavash wrap and cost $6-9 (usually 7.95) What makes up for the price difference is that west coast falafels are twice the size and usually come with Tahini sauce and hummus. (on the east coast, it’s usually just hummus unless you ask) The best ones in SF are Truly Mediterranean (looks shady but is one of the best) Hayes & Kebab and any one of Ali Baba’s Cave (Haight and the Mission) and that one place on Polk near California that looks like a strangely empty market & shitty pizza place, that actually serves the most delicious lamb schwarmas I’ve ever had. The little old Greek lady who makes them can’t speak English fer shit so it don’t bother asking for anything special but whatever she makes will be delicious anyways. I want to take her home & call her “Nana.”

And should you unfortunately find yourself on upper Haight, go to Blue Front Café and get the Feta wrap. It’s a delicious mixture of dolmas and feta in toasted lavish bread. Get it to go, pick up a Sapporo and go have a picnic in Golden Gate Park.

Indian Food

The Tenderloin is notorious for it’s numerous cheap (and delicious) Indian Food places, and unlike most towns, almost all of them are pretty good. I would highly recommend Shalimar, Chutney and Zante Pizza. What? You haven’t had Indian Pizza? You’re not even alive. All Naan n’ Curry restaurants will do for your finicky white friends who are scared of anything that smacks of ethnicity, but if you’re looking for something a little more authentic, there’s this hard to spot restaurant in the Tenderloin on either upper Ellis or O’Farrell on an apartment lined street, I forget what it’s called but their butter chicken is fantastic and I’ll happily clog my arteries with it any day.

goddamn burritos

Every time I tell someone I’m from San Francisco, they say something about the burritos. And 9 times out of 10, they’re apologizing for their city’s lack of good Mexican food. But here’s the thing: Burritos (as we Americans know them) are not real Mexican food. And most burritos are basically rice bowls dumped into a tortilla. This is okay when it’s 2am and the bars just closed and you’re hungry as shit, or when you’re too hungover to do more than stumble to the nearest taco truck. In that situation, most people would direct you to Taqueria Cancun on Mission and 16th. But every time I go in there, it smells like chlorine and just looking at the bathroom makes me want to shoot up.
However, since I’m not as gung-ho about burritos as most people assume San Franciscans are (hint: we’re not) you should visit these websites if you want a better informed opinion:
http://www.burritoeater.com
http://www.burritophile.com
I highly recommend El Tonayese Taco Trucks along Harrison and Shotwell. Get the tacos al pastor. You’re a vegetarian? Haha sucks for you.

not so secret secret places

No Name Sushi: so the sushi here isn’t the best but it’s cheap, decent & the waitress is always outside smoking cigarettes & wearing tiger strip pants. Awesome. It’s BYOB, and it’s encouraged. That’s probably the only reason anyone really likes this place.

Han’s Coffee Shop: This is another place my brother and I ate at, because it was cheap. People like to go here for the “hole in the wall” factor, but the food is just regular crap diner food and the french fries are crinkle cut, which I hate. However, once we saw Bruce Vilanch eating a hamburger there, and it was probably the only time I actually laughed at anything he’s done. 900 Sutter St in the Tenderloin

St. Francis Fountain & Candy Store: Classic diner food that’s damn good & the interior is super cute. Take your out of town friends here, everyone loves it. 2801 24th st in the Mission

La Rondalla: Everyone thinks they discovered this place, and consequently it’s cheap, strong and delicious strawberry daiquiri pitchers, but they just read about it in some hip magazine or had one of their hipster friends bring them there. But despite that, it’s pretty fucking fun to go there because it looks like Christmas had too many pitchers and barfed all over the ceiling. Don’t eat the food though, it’s all made from a huge bucket of lard that you can see when you go to the bathroom. It’s good for going to in the summer during happy hour, and then stumbling over to Dolores park to sleep it off. 901 Valencia in the Mission

Valencia Pizza and Pasta: Mission on the corner of Valencia and 19th.
I hesitate to put this restaurant in here because I used to work there, and it was a miserable, lonely and completely insane job. There was one waitress on the floor, managing a packed and chaotic restaurant. I had to deal with removing bums and panhandlers all by myself (I’m 5’2, 110lbs) while able bodied men sat idly by, watching and eating pork chops. Delicious, delicious pork chops. Over the course of one year, I’d been bitch slapped, hit in the head by a violently shoved door and bled on. But the money was good and it was impossible to get fired because, despite my abhorrence toward waiting tables, I’m damn good at it. Which meant I could wear what I wanted, swear at customers and cut out early.
But about the food: it’s huge portions of classic American style food (I wouldn’t recommend the pizza, unless it’s the pesto combo) but they have great meat and fish dishes. I’d highly recommend the tuna (request it very rare) the salmon, meatloaf, mustard chicken and pork chops. The portions are huge and come with buttery garlic bread and salad. The deserts are all poo except for the tiramisu. The best part is that it’s super cheap, beers are $2 (and they have 24 different kinds, ask to look in the fridge) and the wine is $2.95 and totally drinkable. The service will probably be horrible but tip well because, like I said, it’s the worst job ever. 801 Valencia in the Mission

Sam Woo: This “top secret” Chinese food restaurant in Chinatown is anything but and all your out of town friends will want to go there. But it’s like, if I want to be ignored, eat crap Chinese food and feel like I’m eating in a trailer, I’d have fucking moved to Alabama.  That said, it’s still totally fun to go to.

Watering Holes

Molotovs: I like my bars a little grungy, and Molotovs is the best place to drink and watch aging punk rockers in the Lower Haight. Like your bars with a little frat boys mixed in? Cross the street and go to Tornado, which is a beer bar, and get a delicious sausage next door. 582 Haight St in Lower Haight

The Homestead: This bar is just far enough from the chaos of other mission bars, but close enough to be in walking distance (it’s a few blocks down from the utterly disgusting, crowded hipster meat market known as the Beauty Bar) It looks exactly as it sounds, with a homey, dark wood interior and fireplace. My friends lived right next to this bar, and one of our favorite things to do was drink cheap beers at the bar and then go home, watch Arrested Development and order Indian Pizza. 2301 Folsom st in the Mission
Edinburgh Castle: This is my favorite bar to come to on a cold, rainy, weekday evening in the Tenderloin, especially when you’re broke because you can order one beer, then head upstairs and sit in a cozy wood booth and blatantly drink from the bottle you’ve snuck in because the bartenders can’t see you. Irvine Welsh frequently reads there, and you can order super greasy fish n’ chips. But, like Moulin Rouge, get ready to have your pants around your ankles for a totally different reason than the more desirable bar bathroom alternative. 950 Geary St in the Tenderloin

Zeitgeist: If you like bikes, drinking beers outside and grilled cheese, Zeitgeist is hands down the best bar ever. There is nothing that I love doing more than going on a sweaty bike ride all around SF and then getting a pitcher of franziskaner and ordering a grilled cheese sandwich. Although that does usually mean I’ll be ass drunk and passed out by 7pm. 199 Valencia St in the Mission

Whiskey Thieves: Best bar name ever. This is a great place to drink when you’re in the Tenderloin, it’s nice and dark and until prime drinking hours hit, it’s usually uncrowded and a great place to gather and talk about, um, whatever the hell it is you talk about. It’s one of the few bars you can still smoke in (Amber is another) so if you’re bothered by smoke, then you’re a pussy. 839 Geary st in the Tenderloin

Brown Jug: If you don’t mind sharing the bar with some bums, Brown Jug is a pretty fun dive bar that no one goes to in the Tenderloin. They have a pool table and a juke box and if you’re lucky, you can get a bum to sing along to “Danny’s song.” Careful with that one though, one drink too many can be the difference between a happy, drunk sing-a-long night and slit-your-wrists-while-crying-in-the-bathtub night. 496 Eddy st in the Tenderloin

Place Pigalle: The only good bar in Hayes valley and it has a pool table. I keep mentioning pool tables, but I don’t even play pool so I don’t know what’s up with that. 520 Hayes st in Hayes Valley

The Attic: This bar gets overcrowded with hipsters at night, but during happy hour it’s fun to sit in the one little window seat, drink whiskey sours and draw comics. The light hits the paper in just the right way that makes the bumps in the threads visible which make inking really fun. Well hot damn I just nerded myself out. 3336 24th st in the Mission.

Lexington Club: Otherwise known as the Lex, this is a lesbian bar. It’s perfect to go to when you don’t want to deal with jackass boys and just want to sit and drink, maybe play some pool. I mostly just get left alone when I go here, but watch out, sometimes drunk lesbians are more persistent than drunk boys. 3464 19th st in the Mission

Killowatt: Again, a pool table even though I don’t give a shit, but when not full of slumming frat boys, this bar is pretty rad. 3160 16th st in the Mission

Book Stores

Dog Earred Books:  This store is rumored to have a really hard test for employees regarding their knowledge of literature. I’ve never seen it, but just knowing that kind of gives the employees there a bit of a magical aura about them, like if you rubbed them, you’d get three wishes. My first wish would be that Dave Eggers is beat to death with his own thesaurus. 900 Valencia St in the Mission

Adobe Books:  This was the bookstore that once arranged a wall of books according to color, so they created a rainbow. I know it was supposed to be all insightful and thought provoking, but goddamn that’s annoying! It’s a cool little bookstore though, but it kinda always smells like cat piss. 2166 16th st in the Mission

The Magazine: This wee gem in the Tenderloin is my favorite discovery in all of San Francisco. It has old magazines and periodicals dating back from the early 1900’s, tons of old weird comics and trashy gossip magazines from the 50’s. It also has a huge used porn collection, so get ready to be the only girl there and no one will look you in the eye. So, yeah, no books here, but I wasn’t sure where to put it. 920 Larkin in the Tenderloin

Best comic book stores

Needles and Pens: The best DIY store ever. The employees/owners are really awesome people and they work there for free so give them your money. I SAID GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY!

Comix Experience: Brian Hibbs, who owns the place, was the first comic book store owner to hunt me down online and ask me to bring in comics, so this store is rather dear to me. You can find their alt/indie/DIY section at the back of the store, right next to the porno comics of course!

You can also find some good zines & comics in the back of Aquarius Records and